To begin moving to the life I wanted, I had to
create a frame of reference where what was going on
in my daily life with all of my pain, fears, anger, and
doubts was simply what was going on. It didn't mean
anything unless I gave power to it.
I had to figure out a way to hold my
experience of
now without giving my current reality the kind of power
that determined what the rest of my life was going to
be like. Yes, I had negative stuff that I was creating or
allowing to be created out of my own beliefs. But I was
not going to be my stuff any more. Certainly I did not
want my past to predict my future. But I also realized I
did not want my "now" to predict it either.
I wanted to be able to hold my life in a way that would
allow me to begin focusing on what I did want rather
than being immersed in and focused on fighting
against what I did not want.
Finally, I decided it was going to be like a
movie I
had seen before, the kind of movie where in the
middle there's a scary part where the hero or heroine
doesn't appear to be able to achieve their dreams, a
part where it looks like the challenges they are facing
now are not going to be overcome.
After watching the movie all the way through the first
time, it turns out they really do win, and everything
turns out perfectly. They ride off into the sunset with
the love of their lives by their sides, with the inference
they will be happy forever after.
I was going to pretend that I was in the
middle of
my life, and it was like the movie I had seen where it
looked like the situations I was in were going to
prevent me from having it the way I wanted. But I knew
that as the movie played out, I was in fact going to win.
How could this be so? I control the power of creation,
and my new consciousness, my new beliefs could
create it any way I wanted it to be.
I wanted to create a place where I could feel and know
that Providence was willing to support me in making
my life up differently. Then I could turn my attention to
creating the new movie of my life where I could play
out not just having the health I wanted, but I could also
have the kind of family life I wanted, and the financial
success I wanted. I could make everything different,
and the Universe would be called into action through
my intention.
I was going to believe that the Universe just
said "yes." I was going to choose to believe that I did
not have to change for the Power of Creation to back
up my consciousness. It was now as it had always
been, "as I believe so shall it be done unto me." And
what had to go for that to be true was:
· The beliefs that spoke to separation and duality
· The beliefs that spoke to the judgmental
aspects of Providence
· The belief that I was unworthy now
I still believed in the medical model and
other realities, I was just going to begin to put the
whole package together in such a way so I could
choose the outcome. I would be the one who decided
whether or not I could get well. And to do that, to
believe that, I needed to make up life differently than
how I had been taught.
I didn't want to challenge other beliefs, other
ideologies about how God worked. And I wasn't
interested in making any other belief wrong. I was
simply no longer willing to believe the way I used to.
And I was not going to expose myself to all the support
there was for other ways to make it up. I wasn't going
to read their books, go to their meetings, or associate
with them, at least not on an intellectual basis. Of
course, they had proof their way was the right way.
That's what they believed.
It really was pretty simple. I was going to
study
and pay attention to the disciplines and
methodologies, the thoughts and ideas that
supported me to have the mind within myself that
would allow me to do miracles. I was going to raise
the bar all the way to the top of the chart. I was going to
be the one who would decide whether I won or lost.
I decided I wasn't going to tell a lot of people what I
was doing or what I was attempting to believe in. For I
had noticed when I disagreed with others or stated
opinions that were significantly different from their
beliefs, many people became upset with me and
wanted to tell me I was wrong. It was as if in making
me wrong, they made themselves and their positions
even more right. And other times, they seemed to think
if they accepted that we as individuals are just making
it up based on our beliefs and that my point of view
might be just as valid as their point of view, that this
somehow invalidated who they were.
I could understand how someone might be upset with
me if when sharing what they had found to be true
after years of study and practice, I simply
stated, "That's certainly one way to make it up, but I
don't make it up that way, and so of course, it's not
that way for me." So I decided to keep my mouth shut
and just go about making it up differently.
